I once screwed a woman unconscious. Only joking!!..she was unconscious when I found her.

Why did God put men on earth? Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.

What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening? Sex.

Things not to say during sex

Things not to say during sex: “Breathe through your nose, then.”

Things not to say during sex: ‘You’re good enough to do this for a living!”

Things not to say during sex: “You woke me up for THAT?”

My girlfriend is so bad in bed, I close my eyes and pretend she’s my hand.

My wife caught me masturbating.She said, “You make me feel sick”.I said, “The alternative is for us to have sex”.She said, “Sorry to disturb you, carry on”.

I bought myself dinner tonight. Hope to get at least a hand job out of it.